The next time you rent a car, you will be offered a range of makes and models, and each of them will have its own particular charms. However, you won’t be given the opportunity to hire a spy car, which is of course a great shame. A fully-equipped espionage-mobile would cost you a small fortune, of course, but the features would make the expense more than worthwhile.
Hidden voices of doom
Just in case any would-be thief was stupid enough to want to steal a spy car, there would be a listening bug secreted in the vehicle, which would be able to detect the language used by the criminal. Then, he or she would be told in his native tongue that “this car is a specially-equipped vehicle, and if you don’t get out immediately you will be blown to smithereens by a hidden smithereen gun”.
The obligatory ejector seats
Not many people know this, but every spy car HAS to be fitted with ejector seats – it’s a legal requirement. After all, if you were driving along a winding Alpine road in the middle of Switzerland and you suddenly discovered your passenger was an agent from MUFF, or GLARK or maybe even SNATCH, how else would you get rid of him? You only have to press a button on the dashboard, then watch him fly off into the night sky never to return. Simple.
Rotating number plates
This is a vital feature for the agent about town. There’s nothing more irritating than keep your identity secret from the finest espionage experts in Europe only to have it blown by an over-eager traffic cop who happened to see you jump a red light. Therefore, a steering-wheel mounted switch will rotate the number plates in an instant, so when it’s checked over the police radio it reveals you as plain John Perkins, a painter and decorator from Biggleswade.
Secret bazooka nests
Not recommended for the average road rage incident, the secret bazookas are perfect if you’re ambushed by a group of international terrorists or an enemy country’s assassination squad. A small foot pedal is used to slide the headlights over to one side and bring the bazookas to the fore, and a dial on the radio is then turned in order to fire the missiles. A highly effective deterrent, but you need to be careful if all you really wanted to do was switch off the breakfast show.
This screen would form a watertight barrier between the front part of the car and the rear seats. Those sitting behind the driver will then be trapped without a chance of survival. The agent who is driving will then be able to choose between filling the area with water so the occupants would be drowned, or with a deadly gas that would look like steam from a kettle but would in fact asphyxiate them within a few seconds of throat-grabbing, seat-kicking panic.
David Rice is currently saving up to buy his very own spy car. He plans to fit it with all the above gadgets, as well as some voice recorders, an infra-red roof-mounted video camera and some pens that are really blowpipes.